Saturday, March 13, 2010

This post was going to be a story but then it got totally misguided so now it's a blog post. suck it nerds.

[tried to write tonight and got nowhere. just ended up umm, i don't even know, ranting? i don't know what this is, but it's crap. that's for sure, so read at your own risk. both of you. read. at. your. own. risk. seriously, delware person, person in the suburbs and other person in the suburbs, this is bad. move along. go look at porn or something like a healthy american. there is nothing here - you can't see it, but i'm waggling my finger at you like obi wan kenobi from the star wars films. ya know when he's all like "these aren't the droids you're looking for". that guy, how awesome was he? then he got all whiney and shit. but i won't get into that. this guy has that ground amply covered. but none of that has anything do with this.]

My iphone geotag, status update, four square location or whatever would say this: at home trying to be lonely, angry and creative. But, I don't have an iPhone, so I'm just sitting here doing all of the above, the aforementioned rather, without being able to let the world know. It kinda makes my solitude feel hollow. Yes I fully realize I could update this manually on Facebook or Twitter or egads even Myspace [that would seem just dirty and gauche at this point] but I like the idea of a phone selling me out. I like the iDea of a phone going behind my back and announcing to the world that I'm sitting in front of a computer trying to clack out some nonsense instead of outside engaging in life.

[forgive this next paragraph. this was written when i was hoping i could mangle this into a story somehow. which isn't to say the following didn't happen, it most certainly did, i'm just warning you that it's a little, well, nevermind.]

I went upstairs to make coffee a bit ago. I flipped the brown, wool watch cap I'm wearing up on my head. I pulled the brim up so it made a nice little bowl on top of my head. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a cossack. But I'm not really sure what cossacks look like, I just have a vague image in my head and bowl-shaped headwear seemed to fit. As I looked at myself more, I realized that my spirit animal is a beaver. So I danced a bit like an amorphous beaver cossack.

Except neither cossacks nor beavers are amorphous, so I stopped dancing.
[point of fact: both cossacks and beavers are known to be excellent dancers.]

I made the coffee. I filled the empty tin teapot with warm water from the spout. I retrieved coffee from the fridge, dumping an inch of good, brown coffee into the clean french press. While I waited for the water to boil, I looked at my sallow reflection in the kitchen window. I thought about the years and their passing. I rubbed the skin under my chin, remarked in my head that it felt loose. The pot whistled and I dumped the coffee into the press and watched a thousand tiny snakes whirl in the stew of water and grounds and I tried to read my future in the leaves, sorry the grounds, because I just wanted someone to tell me where I was going and if I was doing the right thing and...

Sorry about that. This whole thing is kinda happening in real time and what you just read, the last couple sentences in the last paragraph, was the confluence of a few factors. See, what I was trying to do was write that paragraph in the style of a Nick Adams story. You know where you have to read an entire paragraph about the contents of this guy's boxed lunch that he brought fishing and everything is "good" and "warm" and "cool". Additionally, the coffee I made just started to kick in a bit [because I've been drinking it] and I may have been getting a bit antsy.

Not that any of that is important. What's important is this: right now I don't have an iPhone and I don't have any iDeas. Though I guess the first one's not so important. I'm not actually sure how the first one relates to anything really. That's not entirely true, I know how it relates to me starting whatever this happens to be [anything more than a blog entry? doubtful]. Because as I was getting ready to start writing someone's four square location [four square being, i think, some sort of dumb application on your phone that tells the world "oh hey, look at me, i'm here. yaay. love me. validate me. please for the love of god tell me i'm worth something." ok, it mostly just says where you are, but the subtext for all that other shit is there.] popped up on my google buzz and they are obviously out having a wonderful time and I'm sitting at home lamenting the rain, trying to read and forcing myself to write [thus we have the nonsense going on right now] and I thought to myself "heh, would be kinda funny if I could alert the world that I'm feeling all hermitty and crabby and I'm getting ready to make a big ass cup of coffee and try to write."

This would be funny, of course, because writing's like the most antisocial thing ever [see title of mcsweeney's humor compilation at this point for flimsy anecdotal evidence]. I can't even really do it if other people are around. I can edit at a coffee shop or something, sure...but actually write, nope. Can't do it. I end up just staring at people, trying to figure out their deals, glowering at the unruly and mismanaged children and sneaking glances at the cute [though way too young] baristas [yes, I am a creepy, creepy old man], checking facebook, reading bco, bidding on vintage medical equipment on ebay that I can neither operate or afford, contemplating novelty t-shirt purchases [there are probably 755 unpurchased shirts on zazzle with my face on them], thinking about a moped, a new tattoo, whoever it is that i'm: obsessed with, ignoring, mad at or ambivalent about at the moment relationship-wise, etc. Should providence allow, I'll even bring up my Okc page. But the last thing I'll do there is write. Just doesn't work for me.

I'm completely lost at this point. I was gonna draw some parallels between me wanting to update my pointless status and some of the comparably pointless updates I see every, single, goddamn, infuriating day on facebook, like so:

thank you lord for electricity!
[yes, because jesus works nights as an electrician]

[oh, also, i'm mocking this because the "thank you lord" is not being used rhetorically in this case. i really think this person thinks jesus is responsible for flicking a big switch somewhere when the power goes out. ok, well, now i'm just being condescending. i'm sure this person understands how electricity works, but i do think that they think the old jesus is responsible for making it come back on when it came back on, because, ya know, it's not like the guy doesn't have better things to do]

There are tons more of these, but I'm getting annoyed trying to filter through this garbage to pick out the truly mundane examples [seriously people stick to the classics: passive-aggressive bragging, "inspirational" quotes, banal observational humor and oversharing]. Add in the energy required to mock them and it's just not really worth it. There are whole web sites devoted to this. I need not waste any more of my time. Anyhoo, this clusterfuck of misguided notions is coming to an end. Adieu.

[i'm seriously considering a neck tattoo of the above image]

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